I never set out to become who I am today. Mostly it has been a circumstance that has dictated the forging or adoption of new behaviours or models that become the routines and structures of our every day life. Of course having children in the house lean absolutely everything towards them. I am surrounded by 8x10 photos of their beautiful little faces, a constant reminder of who I am and what I am supposed to accomplish here.
First and foremost, this is a childrens household. Whilst I may have a forked tongue and suffer from a bit of verbal diarrhea (f-bombs) I blame that on being sagittarius and a monkey and needing to make people laugh. I know that can be accomplished without such colourful language, but sometimes its just funny. I have told my six year old not to repeat the f word etc in front of her teacher, friends, etc... but shes well aware of it. I dont think in this day and age that its anything too shocking. I mean its all over the media. But is it boorish and common, yes. So yup not my proudest thing... rather a work in progress.
It just occurred to me this weekend (I am a slow learner) that I have a very different style of parenting than other people. I am a bit loud naturally. So I often raise my voice. When I am aware of it, I may take my nagging and moaning and turn it into a joke to soften the blow, or a sing song, laugh along... meanwhile I am deadly serious, pick up that stuffed pony or I am going to throw it into the nearest dumpster because I am so darn tired of falling over it and listening to my own voice saying PICK UP YOUR TOYS!!!!!!
So my girls know I am like Grandpa (always blame the patriarch) who has a quick fiery fuse, and like mom, we're kind of like cherry bombs, big bang, some smoke, but not a lot of damage. At least for the most part, on a certain basic level, you know where you stand with me. I dont hold grudges for eternity. I am quick to forget, but yes I do have a temper.
I also do most of the discipline as poor Daddio is away working his 60 hour weeks... and is exhausted when he comes home :( Quite a burden and why I felt it necessary to quench my nagging suspicions that I am a slave driver parent, who pushes my kids too far.
So dear Dr. Phil provided this lovely quiz http://www.drphil.com/assets/a/a0170fbd26b6c36fa62c08ef9bf049b3.pdf which enlightened me to the fact that I am not an awful parent, just a go getter parent, the authoritarian- equalitarian parent....
I spend an awful amount of time obsessing about my children and pondering, and ruminating on their welfare and development... So I am the pushy parent, we have chores, things everyone must do to make the house function. My kids are great kids. But even the two year old puts her diapers in the trash, her clothes in the wash, and gets in trouble for inappropriate behaviour. Whining and whinging are punished with banishment into ones bedroom. The old adage of seen but not heard is alive and well in our house. If you are being a fool you will definitely not be given an audience. If you are being a delight, we will smile at you, put you on a pedestal and clap with enthusiasm.
Just I look around and I feel like I am the only one exhausting myself with the explanations, the education, the installation of mores and certitudes. When I discipline my kids in public (could be a smack for a dangerous problem, like trying to undo ones buckle and open the door before the car is turned off)...(or could be time out at the pool because of too much screaming)... I am met with these inquiring eyes... Like let them be kids. Dont push too much. Dont corral them too much. Dont define them too much. Dont choose for them too much. I dont choose for them on all things. As they get older I do take their feelings and wants and needs into consideration. Am I at fault for making my kids go getters. Am I at fault for telling them everything they cant do (like running with knives) and am I at fault for encouraging them and telling them everything they can do (like swimming and actually getting wet instead of being perched on the top of several floaties?)...
Mostly I see them look to me. If I say I love playing tennis and I love hitting the ball, my daughters will say they love playing tennis and they love hitting the ball too. Both of my babies get water up their noses and in their eyes in the pool. I go under the water and get water in my nose, and in my eyes in the pool too! We emerge and I smile at them and say "good girls, you CAN swim like a fishy!" and they smile back to me.
My point is that before they can have an opinion about themselves, they mimic yours. So give them a good base. Give them a positive base. Encourage them. Coax them. Make them be a bit uncomfortable at times. The end result is so worth it. My six year old rode a horse two week ends ago on a four mile trail all by herself. I cant express how delighted she was, full of SELF satisfaction. Where did she get the idea she could do it from, she got it from her mom and her dad. She got it from us.
Teach your kids to be polite, well mannered, WELL GROOMED FOR HEAVENS SAKE, thankful, to be adventurous, to just try things. To just experience things.
You only have them for such a short time before they are too set and too scared and too intimidated by everything. You only have today.
Im not saying my kids will be perfect. But what I love most about them, is that they try. They lock eyes with us for reassurance. We smile at them. And they take the plunge.
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