It struck me that I have confused all of you. And perhaps I have not fully explained my sudden re-attachment to the Christian walk. As someone who had not been to church in over 17 years, the fact that I went in September 2010 was astonishing to me as well. I am still reeling from the sudden return. I shall recall the events as clearly as I can remember. This is a personal account, not meant to offend anyone okay? :)
I have long deliberated in the two schools of thought that plague me. Do I tell people the edited version of who I am, or do I delve into details that may make them uncomfortable or to think less of me. My dad has always said bury the past. And I desperately have tried to stick to that. Just my natural inclination is to spill all of me in one flurried gush. I dont only wear my heart on my sleeve, I wear my life on my sleeve too.
I am a recovered (past tense) drug addict. I have been 100% clean (not even one relapse) for almost 7 1/2 years. And I get, you hear this always in the news, you watch Intervention, you become desensitized, you see people shooting up on tv whilst you shovel food into your mouth at dinner time with your kids. You say to your kid, hey Junior, dont do that, its baaaad...
But do you have any idea how long almost seven and a half years is in junkie time? And whilst I realize my story or my life is neither novel or a wonder of the modern world, the healing and deliverance I have experienced in my life, IS novel and wonderful to ME.
I went to a rehab in Johannesburg. It was a scientology based rehab program that I loved because it was NOT christian. Also they taught the antithesis of the 12 step program, which is once an addict NOT always an addict. I dont carry around some calendar, count days, say how hard this is, how much I pine for my old life... The program was a total rehabilitation progam. You think youre there for drugs or alcohol, wake up, youre there for a full on life intervention. And it was hard and chaotic, but it was brief and temporary, and it opened up the doorway to so many new horizons and avenues beyond which I had ever thought of, because I never saw a future for me.
After the program I was offered a job. What kind of lunatic offers a recently clean junkie a job looking after money? (Genesis 39 v 20-22)... And I of course took the job, I loved the freedom, I loved helping people, being with people who were so positive and powerful and wonderful and I was good at my job and reliable.. and I started dating Kurtis.
And I just started getting these nagging feelings that the only reason that I made it out alive was because of Gods Grace.... and I brushed that off as a stupid fleeting notion.... what an idealistic fairy tale romantic stupid idea was that? I got out alive because I chose to... right? I mean that was the humanistic answer to it right? And things were going well because I was making them go well. You had good things happen to you because you were a good person. Kinda like karma, you pulled it in right?
Then in January 05 I had my daughter Shannon and in March 05 we moved to Atlanta Georgia. Soon we were working and had our own apartment in Sandy Springs. We bought a new car with money that fell like manna from heaven. I was working for the other rehab here but I hated it. I just wanted to get far far away from Drug Addicts in general. I wanted to have another baby and go back to school.
But the nagging suspicion of divine guidance and deliverance never left me. In fact I was plagued by it. All through out my second pregnancy I could not get two words out of my head, "Gods Grace"... they nagged at me, clawed at me, bit into my calm until I was gushing out potential thoughts or reasonings to it to my husband whom of course, did not acknowledge or approve of my new found crazy phase...
Well I thought it was a phase... now almost 2.5 years later I am still shocking people with my 'church phase'... yet I have to say I feel that all I did was come home. Come home from my wild wanderings and wonderings... I feel like I tried to disprove everything that was shoveled into my gullet as a child, but instead all I did was confirm and solidify that I was taught the truth as a child... and that I want my children to be taught the truth as I know it.
There are of course lose ends and many instances I cant fully explain or fully answer, I have to use faith to bridge the crevasses between thoughts and understanding... Questions about sexuality, perceived morality, perceived values, perceived norms, all of those I have to still work out.
I didnt become a Christian because I wanted a high horse to lean down from, to judge other people. I became a Christian because of the God sized vacuum in my soul. Most of you who truly know me know that I am exceedingly accepting of differences because I fully acknowledge that I am so thoroughly flawed and inept. In my ineptitude I wholly see and adore many different forms of beauty and I truly am washed over with boundless waves of gratitude for the colourful palette that I call my Soul Sisters and my Brothers from Another Mother. I love you all.
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