My beautiful eldest daughter has put on about 10lbs in the past year. She is 6. She always used to fit into a size smaller than her age, she always was scrawny and had her little chicken breast ribs sticking through her bathing suit... she could suck her diaphragm up into her sternum and look like a person from a concentration camp. So this new change is nothing wrong, its just something different.
Before you think I am a weight nazi I have to let you know more about my background. As a 12 year old I wore womens size 16 clothing or XL clothing. Most XL clothing if I am really honest, did not fit, but I would stretch it to make it fit. When I was a child, in the country that I grew up in, 14 was the maximum size on most things. You got 16's if you were exceedingly lucky. Add in braces, glasses, acne...and that I am almost 6 foot tall...musical, artsy, eclectic, eccentric... I am sure many of you now understand that I did not have the happiest time in school.
I read an article lately about something worse than bullying in school, because to be very honest I was never bullied (by children at least... my 7th grade teacher would be considered in my mind to be a bully but there were extenuating circumstances that I dont have the energy to mention right now)...but what this article said was worse than bullying was the child who was invisible. And that resonated with me to the core of my being. I was an invisible child.
That was a two part puzzle. Partly because I was just the klunky fat kid, the weirdo, but not weird enough to tease outright (and because I was bigger than most kids, I would have and could have whooped some butt)... partly because I felt so rejected that I recoiled into the fibers of my being and used to hide myself amongst layer upon layer of defense and camouflage. I became used to playing incognito.
And of course I would never mention it to my overly burdened and loving but innocent parents.... They loved me, more than I could possibly understand at that age, but I always felt worthless.
I was just speaking to my mom today, I am not a binge eater, or a person who binges and purges. I would just constantly be nibbling. When I was 13 I weighed more than my dad. Made me feel like a worthless bag of fat. So I just kept on munching my way through the void where I would have had a larger group of friends, or sports, or other activities where I had to leave the confines of my bedroom.
I sound like a total nerd, but honestly I have had a lovely fulfilled life. I used to read six books a week because my mom took me to the library only once a week, and I only was allowed six at one time... I went to piano lessons for 12 years...I had my nerdy friends (NERDS RULE)... I had a rip roaring early adult life (once I left high school and realised how little high school really means in the grand scheme of things)... and now at the age of 30 I feel satisfied and pleased with where I am and who I am. I like being me. Sounds cheesy but theres no one else I would rather be.
The brilliance of my fleeting mind... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0tn2WtgY5H4
Its just an incredible feeling looking at your baby who is no more, slowly transforming by genetic process into part of who you had been. You want to swoop them up and protect them. In the same place you dont want to impose on them who you were. They are not you. They are not yours. They are your stewards and you are their guardians... They are not you. Yet the resemblance is uncanny.
You want to protect their innocence. Guard them from hurt, pain, rejection and all of the prickly barbs. You want your darling baby angel to feel beautiful always. You want to wipe away the inadequacies. You want to be more aware than your parents were of rejection or shame. You want to be more in touch, in tune, in control... Yet also let them forge their own individuality and become their true selves.
So I have decided to back off on the weight issue. To make it a non issue.. an anti-issue.
My daughter is beautiful and perfect. And just like me, she will find her way. We have the most Perfect Guide. He is the key to wholeness.
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