I really have been putting off writing this post for many moons now. I just think I didn't want to confront it because it forced me to think about how even though I will be turning 31 in a couple of months, that I don't have any superior or advanced ways to interpret the loss of a friendship other than it stings the same way it did as when I was a child.
The rejection is akin to a banishment. In some ways I actually think its quite befitting because I just don't think I could fully empathize with the other people also forced into the wilderness. And now I find myself here, and the only way I can make sense of it, is to reach out to the other people here in the darkness and ask them to afford me some strength. And they help me not to become bitter, but to try to wait patiently and optimistically, for the day that the sun will come out from behind the curtain of darkness.
In the grand scheme of things, the loss of this friendship doesn't impact my life in any major physical way. The earth still spins on its axis and the stars gleam like bedazzling fireworks in the velvet blanketed sky. I go to work. I come home. I laugh with the children and my husband. This year we have gone on two mini vacations. We have seen the end of winter, welcomed a beautiful spring, endured a mindlessly hot summer, and now recently progressed into a tranquil fall, and the entire time her absence was palpable.
But it was such a selfish missing or longing. It doesn't affect anyone around me. And I have to just keep myself in check and the logical side of me has to instruct the fragile and weeping side and say you know this is only one sided, she doesn't miss you or even feel the need to admit that she could have been wrong too. We both were wrong.
I have gone so far as to write her a sad soliloquy, proclaiming that I miss her, as Romeo pined for his Rosaline. Her response was a vacuous silence. A deafening zero. What could be more clear than that? How could I live in the hope that I am mistaken, that perhaps she hasnt checked that email account, maybe shes got a new email account (I know I did, I deleted the one she made for me, was too painful to keep, kept going back in and reading our conversations and I was going crazy)? Maybe that was then, and she would feel different now?
I had so many things pent up that when I started talking, I couldnt shut up. And maybe I said more than I needed to, maybe I wasnt as tactful as I should have been, but I dont think I lied or made things up. I thought we could have weathered the storm. I thought that the air would have been cleared, cards on the table, each of us bend down to mend the wall between us. But instead there is nothing.
Not even the hint of an apology or any remorse. Not even perhaps a thought that perhaps I had no idea how to handle the situation, that this was out of the frame of ordinary, bordering on psychological torment. And yes I lost my cool.
So I am just trying mentally, emotionally, to let go. I know there are wonderful things happening in her life, special things, exciting firsts, and the hand she holds over is is information and interaction. For as long as I am bound in this mental state, shes still winning.
So I just have to move on. The loss of her is worse than the death of a friend. Knowing someone is alive and well and wants absolutely nothing to do with you is just totally cruel. It means that everything was just a farce.
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