Thoughts

July was an awful month. In so many ways it kept reminding me how I was inadequate: ill prepared for this life, incapable of plotting my own course in seeing it through, ridiculous in my pursuits and even that I was a terrible parent, because my daughters came home from camp with lice.

I am kind of an experiential learner, sometimes my best lessons are learnt with tears running down my face. I am that child who never understood "hot" until I had burnt my hand. Even then I would still want to poke at the fire, questioning but "why, why, why"? I say no to everything, so if I say "yes" you have to bet that I have spent a lot of time psyching myself up for the event. And when the "yes" doesnt work out the way that I want, I am dumbfounded, reeling and I begin the process of disambiguation/ rumination till the senseless/ pointless and useless makes some form of sense.

I interpret life in a way that makes zero sense to those governed purely by logic. My logical side, who comes in a close second, reminds me always why something is not a good idea, is like my sidekick holding out a helmet or knee pads saying "you might want to put these on, that could hurt". But my emotional side says I have to try it, I have to feel it, I have to be it, I have to experience it.

So I am stuck half way on a continuum of belief and disbelief, in confidence and in self doubt, in safety and in reckless abandon.