The funny thing about parenting is how much you always hear that the first child will change your life, the first child will be the one you take all the photos of, any subsequent kids will just get lost in the fog like the poor Duggar kids (yes I do pity them...honestly how can you have intimate relationships with that many children? Sure... have five kids... but 25?)...The first child is the Glory child. The sun shines out of the first child's delicate little derriere... And believe me the sun shone directly out of Firsty's perfect little behind... And for four and a half glorious years she was the be all and end all of mother dearests affection... Until mother dearests affection was actually not divided... but multiplied with the birth of another daughter (maybe the Duggar people think their love is also multiplied and not divided... totally other point to ponder... but not right here and not right now)...
I expected, from what everybody had said about having another child, for the first everything's, first smile, first giggle, first time she recognised me etc, first tooth, first pony tail, first Christmas, first everything to be just a little bit lack luster compared to the glorious First child's first... And I have to say that honestly it wasn't... The second time around every little milestone and every little step in the right direction was equally as precious as the first time... Yet totally, 180 degrees in the opposite direction, different.
You can argue the difference is because its a different child, born 4 and a half years apart, in my case, two separate c-sections on two totally different continents... They have different personalities, different temperaments, different everything therefore the experience should be totally different. Right? But I just keep feeling the reason that 'it' (the whole experience) was different was because I was so totally different. And I have another nagging feeling that poor First Child got the total short end of the stick. Where as lucky languishing Second Child got the full benefit of an experienced and less anxious parent who had at least known that she had a 1 for 1 score going for 4 and a half years before the second kiddo came... so she had to be doing something right. Its like a house plant. If you can keep one alive, the second one is easy, right?
My adorable First was born to an unwed 24 year old mom... who had to borrow money for bottles and formula when her milk didnt come in. I tried desperately to breast feed for 3 days. Day three, the pediatrician said this kiddo needs some formula. I had cracked and bloody nipples, no milk, so Firsty got a bottle of Nestle Nan and we never looked back. Firsty didnt have a crib. For the first six weeks of her life she slept in a carry cot that my aunt so kindly loaned to me. Firsty was lucky enough to have a car seat as the hospital gave her one... and her maternal grandmother bought her clothing from Debenhams and Mothercare... and her paternal grandmother bought her diapers and wipes. Mother just smiled and pretended she knew what she was doing. But she was clueless. Babies were supposed to hear their mothers' heartbeats and just calm the hell down (correct?) like puppies do if you put a clock in their basket... No... I found this out the hard way.
Father found out the hard way that maternal grandmothers little dog would eat his sandwich the second he had to deal with a screaming two week old...leaving him foaming and spitting at the mouth... Of course there was no food in the house. We were broke and we had a newborn. he he he. WORST combination.
When Firsty was six weeks old we boarded a plane and came to the USA. Father was gloriously happy to be back home but Mother was 100% lost ... But it all kinda happened so fast... Only about two years into it was I able to say boy that was difficult. For about the first two years I was only concerned with faking it until I made it...
So my dear First. Was I the parent, or were you? Because it seems that we grew together. I tell her that now a lot you know... I'm so grateful for her... and grateful to her. And she is a little bit cocky and has a little bit of an attitude... And I think I let her because you know like all of this around us, all that we are, the family etc, we became that, we made that, BEFORE Secondy came along... In the beginning it was just Her and I... She was at times all that I had.
Now the Second child... Wow... She was born into an already established Marriage. Mother and Father had been tied to each other for four years by then. We had met in 03, and she was born in 09. Plenty of time to get to know each other, to buy cars, and houses, and paint nurseries... and go to Michael's and buy Noah's ark decals for her room... And to buy a crib and assemble it... And get the Peg Perego stroller that mother wanted... (and still loves to this day)... Secondy had a stockpile of diapers set aside just for her. She even had a wipe warmer bought for her by the paternal grandfather... Her name was put on the wall in four inch tall cut out whitewashed wooden letters... and her car seat was installed in the car... C-section booked, Father booked time off of work...
So I got to have the parenthood experience happen all over again. Completely different this time. Totally planned. I knew what choices I could make. I chose to bottle feed again (to keep it even steven even though I could have breast fed this time...)... And in some ways it was totally harder, just the double work of two totally different age groups... but in other ways the baby days were really easy. And I guiltily say I perhaps enjoyed them more because I could relax more. I was at home more. I wasn't living in a crack town apartment. I could hold the baby and then watch my eldest ride her bike in our perfect little cul de sac... I mean like the epitome of suburban Americana... Red white and blue flags outside of the houses. White little mail boxes. Neighbours waving to each other and visiting each others houses.
So my 'baby' now will be three in almost exactly two months time. She has a slight case of malaise tonight... I just went in to check on her. Shes sleeping soundly underneath a delicately embroidered comforter that her paternal great grand mother made for my First born... She saw her bed tonight and told me "mommy it is boo-ti-fool"... And I am just touched by how endearing she is at this age... and how special this is that I got to do it twice.
So come to think of it... Maybe I answered my own doubts about the Duggars... If each and every single child they had is as important and unique to them as my two are to me... then who is to say how many they should have in the first place. Just I myself have had to put a cap on how many bio kids I am going to have... And that limit was two.....
Although we are looking to adopt a brother if anyone has a spare brother that they are willing to part with :)
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