Time to say goodbye.

So my friend that I wrote about in August (read Adult lamentations on the loss of a friend) gave me an even more clear and definitive answer on the status and importance of our friendship or lack thereof. She told me today, at approximately  (checks phone) 1:27pm, EST, Wednesday December 7th 2011, okay nix approximately, she told me at exactly 1:27pm today that she would prefer if I no longer called her.

So this shouldn't even be a blog entry. This shouldn't even have happened today. I should have got the memo, loud and clear, I should have listened to the words of wise friends who were looking out for me, I should have heeded advice. But instead I stuck my hand right into the viper pit. And now I am crushed. So absolutely upset that I have a raw and open wound. To think that I was just commenting to my sister about our superior skills at interpreting and deciphering people. I think honestly those superior ESP powers only work if you're not emotionally attached to the other parties in your dilemma.

So I have been pondering about myself. To have consciously sought out this kind of ridicule there has to be something fundamentally wrong with me, correct? Or maybe I am just an idealist. Like the first boy I ever loved accused me of being? Idealist or pig-headed and stubborn. I don't know. Dim witted is also ranking right high in my list of reasons tonight.

But with Ethel (pseudonym for my BFF, er EX BFF...sob)... I just can't get to that place of anger/grief where it sinks in. Its like I reach this plateau of disbelief where I can rationalize away anything that she says or does.
Essentially what happened in our friendship (or lack thereof) was one day I decided to speak frankly and candidly to her about things that I really felt were on my heart. And she rejected it, thought I was attacking her personally, and I felt at that time that I would far rather have her know the truth than to have her love me because I am agreeing with her. For like our whole relationship, I agreed. Then the one time I actually disagreed, it started this big ugly show down that ensues almost a year later.

Yet honestly, she was outspoken, brash, and critical of me for most of our relationship. And although her words hurt, I appreciated them. She is was like the sun shining in my sky. Shes the kind of friend who paints you a birthday card in oil paints, ahead of time so it is perfectly dry on the day you receive it. Or makes her parents a jumbo jet shaped chocolate cake for their return home from an overseas trip. Shes the kind of friend who sends you a post card from every new little town she visits, so you know you're always with her. Shes the kind of friend who is jealous and possessive. Only wants to spend time with you, and you have absolutely no idea why. And for the longest time she carried me and spoke for me, when I was voiceless and spineless.

After high school, we went our separate ways, had a falling out, our lives were so different. Then in 2005, I contacted her again, and she was skeptical, not exactly too welcoming of this intrusion into her life. I didn't realise the depth that I had hurt her from excluding her from my life then. But after a while she was calling me constantly, we spoke almost daily. About everything and anything and everyone. And it was like that old friendship, someone you knew as a girl, now a woman. Some things were still the same. But many things had changed.

And she had been unwell and had some struggles. And I grew weary and exhausted from constantly worrying about her and for her. Something tragic and major happened in September 2010 right after her 30th birthday, which preempted my sudden change in feelings, because I felt like I was going to lose her, into a casket, six feet under, with gerber daisies planted on top. The problem was, this wasn't the first time I had feared for her life. I was constantly in fear for her life. She was a shadow of who I expected her to be. And I wanted to fight (even fight her) to make her realise this.

So I did what I thought was best. I meddled in the works, as only a 'best friend' can know how. I did it from a self righteous view point, that "I knew best because I knew her best". But honestly that was my only protection from my feelings of dread and from knowing I could have sacrificed her trust in me, for her. I just always believed that she would somehow see, that I did this FOR her, not TO her.

Fast forward almost an entire spin on the earths axis. We are back into winter, as frigid as when I last had any interaction with her. Her entire life is different now, I believe. I don't really know. I can only surmise. As her first child, a son, was born yesterday. So I called her yesterday to congratulate her and to make sure she was okay. And I think that gave me hope or blind stupidity or the emotional fuel to dial her number again today. And today she ended it. So that is where it is.

I can't have regrets for what I have done.  I have done them. In my heart of hearts, I 100% believe I have done the right thing. I have said before my message was great, but the delivery sucked. But you can't fault me on trying. You can't fault me on intentions. You can't fault me on putting my neck on the line.

I told her yesterday that I loved her. I told her that twice on the phone. Whether she hears it and listens is her own problem.

And like I said in August, I have to try to move on. As nonsensical as it is to me, for what she means to me in my heart of hearts, I have to let her go because she wants it. Not because I want it for one second.