...trying to decipher the truth when all the clues and information are missing and the only thing left is a fleeting memory of how I think things should be...

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Plans for my plans?

My new plan is not to plan. Er...? So is that in itself a plan? How do you just ad lib. How do you launch yourself out of bed in the morning and say that's it world! Here I am! Take me as I am!I am yours! Send me on my way to unique fun novel experiences, beyond my wildest dreams, because I don't have any preconceived notions, therefore I would never be disappointed or feel unfulfilled by the days events passed. 

How do you get to be THAT person without being the irresponsible hippie who comes over to borrow a razor for a possible job interview at traveling circus... oh no wait... oops... that was supposed to be yesterday... oh well catch the next opportunity on the flip side...?

How do you get to be loose and relaxed and at peace with where you are, who you are with, where you are not, who you are NOT with, and happy with whatever you are doing and happy with whatever you're not doing? 

I was speaking to my brother about plans and how I was just going to stop making such specific plans. I mean sure have general plans for your life. You know, don't be a degenerate, don't be a moron, do get an education etc (maybe those are more values and mores than plans... core values, cornerstones of our beings, pillars of our personalities?) but when it comes down to the minutia, to let them be, to let them come as they will, because I mean the stats are like 90% of what you plan or prepare for never happens anyways. So much time spent in exercises in futility and mind numbing agony...

And true happiness is found in those perfect blissful surreal ethereal fleeting rare seconds and minutes (maybe hours) where a zillion other factors, infinitely out of your control, collide and form a beautiful tapestry of splendor that momentarily becomes more than everything you ever dreamed of, but mostly everything you didn't dream of, because the experience exceeds everything you could have ever conceptualized, ie it was mind blowing.... 

 And the feeling passes.... and you feel bleh in your bereftness, ineptitude, mourning and agony in the reality that you didn't accomplish what you set out to achieve in the first place so you're an epic failure....and the loss of hope and despair engulfs you...


And then you speak to your maternal Auntie from South Africa today... and she speaks about those plans and how she thinks all that self help crappola is a disservice to our self esteems actually.... and its so perfectly karmic (the planets aligned or something), because it fits into what you were thinking, what you were saying, the whole spiel about gratitude, happiness, feeling good about this exact moment in the present tense, about realizing there are also cow patties in the green pastures down yonder that you have been so lustfully coveting,  all of that comes from stopping all of the comparisons, stopping all of the pipe dreams, and just reveling in who you are, where you are, and knowing that today and for this moment, and for the next, you are enough and you have enough. We should all be truly grateful for where we are. And not always keep on wishing it away.



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