Nothing like the day before surgery to make you take stock of your life. It is just 9 days away from Christmas. My two monkeys are SO excited. They have an Elf on the Shelf named Snowflake... She is making the rounds around the house... Dangling from light fixtures and sitting on high shelves... Luckily she only made a huge mess one morning... She was dangling from the fan in the living room and she had somehow managed to throw streamers over the fan... I love seeing the look of awe on their faces when she gets into high jinx...I love how real she is to them. I wish I could capture their innocent wonderment forever.
Tomorrow makes me think of all of the things that can go wrong in your life... As well as all of the things that very obviously are going "right"... The husband is well. We just celebrated our 10th anniversary of being "boyfriend and girlfriend". Thinking about how hilarious it was when he got down on one knee to ask me out, still makes me giggle. He is a hopeless romantic. I am glad at least he is. I have been called "frigid" more than once in my life. I am not so great with impromptu spur of the moment emotions. I am better with "thought out" or "prepared responses" or recreating the past in words. Not that I am not grateful. Just it takes me a while to decipher and interpret reality. I really think we have all of our kinks worked out. The more you are with someone, the less negotiations you have to have. Especially not adding any more babies to the mix has also downgraded our emotional outbursts. I am firstly A) the worst pregnant lady around, sick 24/7... As well as B) I develop such tunnel vision about the baby that I cannot think about anything else. And C)... I don't do well without sleep when the baby arrives... and then D) My anxiety levels increase which makes my agoraphobia even worse...Which makes this house about as much fun as Alcatraz with a screaming howler monkey (that would be the baby, or maybe me, crying about the baby crying...) ha ha... So yup... Although I say I want to adopt... I am not sure when that will fit in with my whole "enjoying the harmony and peace and quiet" portion of my life... Bananah is 4 years and 9 months old... And Wookie will be 9 in a months time...So they are at really really really wonderful ages...Even our puppy turned one this December... So really everyone's growing up!!
A major personal feat this year was going back to college again (again) for the 25th time. It was a huge financial stretch. Do you know it is REALLY hard to get a student loan when you are married and employed. It is far easier to be a crack head and go to school than it is to be a law abiding citizen. I finally got approved for a loan. So that will really help. But I got a B for remedial math... So in January I am doing Math I... And in the summer I am doing Stats... I am pretty excited... Only issues are paying for schooling as well as trying to find the time around the kids' schedule as well as my work schedule... Pretty cool to change "I failed math" to "I got a B for math"... You really can teach an old dog new tricks. This of course opens up a whole new world for me. I can actually graduate with a bachelor of science... :) Adieu bachelor of arts... :)
Other updates include... My brother actually didn't walk down the aisle. He called the whole thing off. Which of course was not a pleasant situation for anyone... So I think he has struggled this year with feeling like the villain. We whole heartedly support his decision. You cant have any regrets before you take the plunge. It can be perfect on the surface, yet not gel deeper down. And a ring doesn't take away those doubts. It exacerbates it...
That juxtaposed with my sisters upcoming nuptials... On August 1st and August 2nd we are pulling off the largest wedding production that this family has ever seen. My brother and sister are going to India on Dec 23rd to go shopping with the grooms family. We have spent this weekend measuring all of the family members for their sari's and sherwani's... I am so excited to see what dress she chooses... The choices are overwhelming. How do you choose between stunning and amazing? The colours are so vivid. I hope she chooses blue and purple... :)
My surgery is nothing major, just having my gallbladder removed. Then I can focus on getting into better shape for the wedding. I really have just blobified over the last six months. Mostly its been the studying and then also dealing with colic. I cant tell you how much a gallbladder attack hurts. It lasts for the good part of a week and you just lie on your side and cry and catch your breath. Everything hurts as well as you are nauseous and sick to your stomach. So having it removed will definitely change my life for the better.
As with all surgery, there are risks involved. So I thought I better clarify some things before I go under the knife. To my husband, I love you baby. Thank you for being my support and my best friend. Thank you for being the mirror in which I can finally see myself. I like your interpretation of me. To Wookie you are such a darling and a peaceful young lady. You are so truthful and harmonious. Thank you for being so kind and someone I can trust. Bananah you are so hilarious and funny, yet sensitive. Thank you for sitting on my lap and being a Kitty. Your hugs are all so wonderful. You all know I love you.
Monday, December 16, 2013
Monday, February 11, 2013
A Brother
My younger brother is very soon to wed. As I lay in my bed last night trying to sleep, I kept having a flash forward of myself, somehow standing up front at the wedding, giving a speech, my head illuminated by some form of a spot light, my torso and arms resting on a podium... And how I knew it was a dream... Was because I would never do anything like that in real life. My method in the written word, the carefully constructed narrative, and in the ramblings that perhaps only I hold dear.
My brother was born in a time known as the famine in our family. Dad's job was not working out. And Mom had actually some years earlier, donated all of the baby furniture to the orphanage down the road. Mom had also recently started driving a Nissan Exa which if anyone can remember those, they were small, two door sports coupe's with very small back seats...
So couple changes had to be made to our family and quick.
Nonetheless there are pictures of us standing in front of the Park Lane Clinic in May 1989 with a bouncing baby boy and two little blonde girls smiling, and two parents, ecstatic with their perfect baby boy.
You see my brother was even caring and thoughtful as an embryo and a foetus. How clever of him to time his arrival exactly with the universal day of thanks for mothers and their careful mothering?
He was named Jordan after the river... and he was chunky, cute, blonde and super fast. At 9 months he took off running. He would do things we never anticipated and would have a series of hard bumps on the head and stitches, and he would even have a huge broken window under his belt by the time he was two.
My memories of him involve this yellow Tupperware dish that we used to feed him from... I remember he did not like meat much... He was mostly vegetarian. But he always had a sweet tooth and would definitely love some Swiss Roll.
He was like a little shadow following my sister and myself around. Another distinct memory is of how I used to hold him upside down when he was a toddler...
My brother wore second hand clothes, a friend of my moms had twin boys so he got double the clothing from them. And he learnt to ride a bike on my pink BMX.
The thing about him, and this was the thought that kept running through my head the whole time I was supposed to be sleeping, is that he is an exceptionally true person. He is a superb friend when you have all the toys and fun in the world, and he is great company when it was just us on the couch, in a house that didn't even have a working TV.
I recall one time, I must have been 18 because I was learning to drive, and I got a random infection in the vertebrae in my neck. And basically was in agony. I lay in his bed (because it was the firmest bed in the house) and Jordie kept me company and took care of me. He must have been 9 at the time. I remember he would say my name fast so that it sounded like "Bennie" instead of "Bernie". I also remember sitting in the bathroom with him and our new pet rat name Rollo.
So these pictures, a thousand times brighter than any star, shone through my minds eye, blocking any partial darkness or opportunity for sleep.
So I treasure my brother. Our Baby Brother. The best friend you could ask for. Smart and ingenious. Hard working and reliable. Steadfast and true. Our new sister in law has no idea what a find she has found. I know that he will be everything that she has ever dreamt of. And more.
My brother was born in a time known as the famine in our family. Dad's job was not working out. And Mom had actually some years earlier, donated all of the baby furniture to the orphanage down the road. Mom had also recently started driving a Nissan Exa which if anyone can remember those, they were small, two door sports coupe's with very small back seats...
So couple changes had to be made to our family and quick.
Nonetheless there are pictures of us standing in front of the Park Lane Clinic in May 1989 with a bouncing baby boy and two little blonde girls smiling, and two parents, ecstatic with their perfect baby boy.
You see my brother was even caring and thoughtful as an embryo and a foetus. How clever of him to time his arrival exactly with the universal day of thanks for mothers and their careful mothering?
He was named Jordan after the river... and he was chunky, cute, blonde and super fast. At 9 months he took off running. He would do things we never anticipated and would have a series of hard bumps on the head and stitches, and he would even have a huge broken window under his belt by the time he was two.
My memories of him involve this yellow Tupperware dish that we used to feed him from... I remember he did not like meat much... He was mostly vegetarian. But he always had a sweet tooth and would definitely love some Swiss Roll.
He was like a little shadow following my sister and myself around. Another distinct memory is of how I used to hold him upside down when he was a toddler...
My brother wore second hand clothes, a friend of my moms had twin boys so he got double the clothing from them. And he learnt to ride a bike on my pink BMX.
The thing about him, and this was the thought that kept running through my head the whole time I was supposed to be sleeping, is that he is an exceptionally true person. He is a superb friend when you have all the toys and fun in the world, and he is great company when it was just us on the couch, in a house that didn't even have a working TV.
I recall one time, I must have been 18 because I was learning to drive, and I got a random infection in the vertebrae in my neck. And basically was in agony. I lay in his bed (because it was the firmest bed in the house) and Jordie kept me company and took care of me. He must have been 9 at the time. I remember he would say my name fast so that it sounded like "Bennie" instead of "Bernie". I also remember sitting in the bathroom with him and our new pet rat name Rollo.
So these pictures, a thousand times brighter than any star, shone through my minds eye, blocking any partial darkness or opportunity for sleep.
So I treasure my brother. Our Baby Brother. The best friend you could ask for. Smart and ingenious. Hard working and reliable. Steadfast and true. Our new sister in law has no idea what a find she has found. I know that he will be everything that she has ever dreamt of. And more.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Future Boredom Awaits!
It is my aim one day... To be very bored.
I mean to be overwhelmed. Succumb to the boredom of nothingness. Of undoingness. Of static lumpiness on some chair somewhere. Maybe in the sun. Maybe in front of a window on a drizzly day where I contemplate the speed of the water drops collecting and turning into little rivers and rivulets of precipitation and how this relates to the ebb and flow of human life, the rushing about, the joining, the separation, of our bodies and ourselves... (wait going off tangent here).
I want to be and exist. Without preconceived plans of where else to be and what else to do and what else to think.
I want to be over the hurdle, on the other side, past where all the frenetic energy is. I want to be in a slower state of activeness, yet in an enhanced state of contemplation, and understanding. I want less doing and more thinking. Less about. More here. I want to be at the there I am for. If the there will ever be here, and not there. Are we ever on the final steps. Or are we forever on the beginning rungs?
I mean to be overwhelmed. Succumb to the boredom of nothingness. Of undoingness. Of static lumpiness on some chair somewhere. Maybe in the sun. Maybe in front of a window on a drizzly day where I contemplate the speed of the water drops collecting and turning into little rivers and rivulets of precipitation and how this relates to the ebb and flow of human life, the rushing about, the joining, the separation, of our bodies and ourselves... (wait going off tangent here).
I want to be and exist. Without preconceived plans of where else to be and what else to do and what else to think.
I want to be over the hurdle, on the other side, past where all the frenetic energy is. I want to be in a slower state of activeness, yet in an enhanced state of contemplation, and understanding. I want less doing and more thinking. Less about. More here. I want to be at the there I am for. If the there will ever be here, and not there. Are we ever on the final steps. Or are we forever on the beginning rungs?
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