Normally my birthday is an event that smacks me in the face with this overwhelming sense that I am worthless, have nothing, havn't accomplished anything, am the laughing stock of the educated world (the fools don't count, I already know I could easily be top of the class at the McDonalds training academy)... and whilst everyone in my family clamors around me, bestowing me with gifts from the fruits of their back breaking and life threatening labour, I just feel totally inept, incapable of truly being the person that everyone thinks that I am. And so I normally tend to succumb to morose, selfish, childish sentiments of hopelessness and momentary despair.
Even though the mercurial basis of my depression is wavering, the depths of my anguish is normally overwhelming and I would often (privately, as to not cause too much discomfort to the people who love me) rock myself to sleep in a pool of tears, searching for an answer and a reason for being.
But it is my birthday in approximately 45 minutes Eastern Standard Time... Its actually already my birthday if you want to go off the time in the place where I was born, Johannesburg... And instead I am sitting here, too wired up to sleep, feeling a bit like a spoiled bloody fat buddha that has had her cake AND eaten it... (actually it was pumpkin gooey cake as today is also Thanksgiving...)....
So what things have changed since last years birthday and this one? Well firstly, last year I turned 30. It was hard to say goodbye to my twenties. They were the best of times, they were the worst of times, they were the times I felt the most awful things, and the times I felt the most pleasant things. And it seems too soon for them to be over.
But mainly the inner peace, and the satisfaction that I now have, comes from the Prince of Peace. I know I carry on like an old harpy, but I have to give thanks where it is due, and I honestly am so grateful Lord for all that you have given me.
I never planned on becoming the Happy Clappy, Holy Roller... But last night I was driving along by myself, on this totally dark stretch of road that had a couple bends in it, and I was thinking how driving really is just an act of Faith. You follow those cats eyes and the white line around these black bends, having Faith that you will arrive at your chosen destination. And I smiled to myself, because I think I finally (finally) finally get ...(I am a slow learner)... the entire Christianity thing, because I have experienced it (am experiencing it) for myself. And now I wonder why I fought it so hard. Why if I can drive by faith, can I not live by faith? I mean its easier for people to go 60 miles per hour down the road in the pitch black in a tin can, than it is to close your eyes and say hey Father, are you really there for me?
Honestly, what do you actually have to lose?
But the main thing is, I have never felt such clarity in who I am. And I didn't get it at The University of the Witwatersrand, Western Governors University, Unisa or Georgia Perimeter College (all tertiary institutions I have attended in the last 10 years... ). It didn't come from some pseudo science psychobabble book or professor know it all... who proclaimed some incredible profound thing for my life. It came from this little voice inside of me that asked me to just think about the notion of Gods' Grace.
And it has forced me to question, and ruminate, and dissolve, and gnaw at all the things I thought I knew or the things I wanted to know, or the things I took for granted, until I willingly found myself in a church service a year and three months ago, and I cried, these tears of wet hot steaming joy because after 17 years of wandering, and wondering... I was home.
So for my birthday I would like to outline and define my purpose:
My purpose is to serve and worship Jesus Christ in everything that I do, with all of my talents, with all of my being, with the words from my mouth, in my actions, in my reactions, and with my life. My purpose is to raise my children in a house where the name of Jesus is praised and where satan is put under our feet. My purpose is to glorify God with my life. I gave all of me to him. I know I sound like a brainwashed lunatic, but I cant even articulate or elucidate the place where this has put me mentally.
So for my birthday, and in Thanksgiving, I want to say thank you to our almighty God, for raising me up, restoring me, making me whole, for placing specific people in my life, and for taking others away, causing my cup to run over, and for placing me right here, exactly where He wants me to be... Although if I could just suggest Father God, next time you want to put me somewhere, could you put me closer to the beach?
